Another utterly boring work day. Sitting at my desk, counting down the minutes, wasting my life away as I have for so long. Stuck in this meaningless soul-sucking job, in this lifeless dead-end town. Oh well, at least I have plenty of free time to write and think about my future. This is probably going to end up being quite a rant, as I have no specific direction here, a bit of an aside I suppose. But anyways, here goes.
I’m currently in the process of selling my car, which has been tough for me. My car has been my baby for the past couple years, it’s truly unique and I’ve always felt like it was one of the most interesting things about me. It’s incredibly rare, and people stop me at gas stations just to talk about it. But then I realized, it’s kind of sad that I need to rely on a crutch like that simply to get attention, to chat with people. We should place our reliance not on temporal objects, but on ourselves. I’ve always found myself to be socially irregular, and what I mean by that is at times I am extremely outgoing and I have absolutely no problem communicating with people and making friends. But then there are times when I simply freeze up in social situations, I shy away from conversation and even if I’m approached I may not open up at all. It’s really awkward and hard to explain, I’ve always blamed it on other people and not myself. Saying, “Well if they came off as more polite and respectful, then I probably would have talked to them.” But now I think, why should I change or be different for anyone? Why not just be myself all the time? The real Brian is outspoken and opinionated, but he’s not rude. He’s witty at times. He’s compassionate for even the most primitive concerns of strangers. He’s fun. Why does this person hide so often? Where does he go?
The mind is a complicated mosaic of thoughts, bunched up together like so many jelly beans in a jar. Each one has it’s own unique taste and color. It’s quite impressive to think about, and staggering as well. The mind is simply a wonderful thing to behold; but it can also be quite scary. Because sometimes, when a person finds no solace in those around him, he retreats into his own mind. There he may find some comfort, yes, but he will also face all of his fears. Every step he takes will be questioned, every action has it’s consequences. So lately I’ve been thinking, maybe it’s best to step outside of your mind for a while, put your trust in others, let their energy guide you to a new direction. This is something I’ve always struggled with greatly, trusting others has been tough for me. I make friends easily, but it doesn’t mean I connect with them, or trust them on a deeper level. I shut people out on a regular basis(reference my last entry to know why.) So starting recently I have made a vow to be more open and honest with those around me. I will tell them my thoughts and dreams, and if they like them, then great, but if they don’t I will not lose any sleep over it. I love my friends, even if we don’t all share in similar views; so I owe it to them to let them know how I feel. And even if they don’t love me back, that’s OK. The love we give, is the love that we keep, and to give love selflessly is one of the ultimate displays of the matter; in my humble opinion.
And love has been a fascinating subject for me recently. Though I am maybe a bit unaccustomed to it, I do feel like I have a very strong understanding of the word, maybe more so than those who believe they have truly experienced it. And this is strange, considering I don’t believe I have ever been truly loved by anyone outside of my own mother, even my father is questionable. That’s a pretty sad and distressing thought, but I blame mostly myself. But that’s delving back into that place of pity that I have been so desperately trying to escape, so I digress. Let me give you my definition of love:
Love is placing another above yourself, it’s putting their wants and needs ahead of yours. It’s the feeling of wanting to give rather than receive. Putting a smile on their face is more important than having one put on yours. It’s knowing that the choice between your life and theirs is an easy one, because in your eyes they are everything and without them things will never be quite the same. Their touch soothes, and their gaze penetrates; you are not looking at just another person, you are looking at the only person. I know all of this may sound exceptionally sappy, and I would agree. But I guess when you have been loveless for so long, you have a lot of built up love to give.
In my quest to become a better person, love is my true mission. I have to find it out there, somewhere. I know it exists, I’ve felt it in my heart so strongly that I thought it was going to explode. I want to fall in love with everything, and I want to be loved. I want to climb the highest mountain top, overlooking the world and all it’s immense beauty. In that moment I want to take the hand of the person I love and not only share it with them, but also let them know in that moment they are still all that matters.