We all feel a bit lost from time to time, it’s just the way of the world. People move, people change, people evolve. And in that process of change, you might come to the realization that everything around you no longer suits your needs. Friends you once considered close will grow apart, things you once enjoyed start to fizzle and lose their shine. I’m certainly in the process of change at the moment, physically and mentally. I know it’s for the better, but it has been a tough battle so far. And it’s only just begun.
I know now that I have lived the last 9 or 10 years of my life in detachment; apathy was my middle name. I would drift from job to job, from place to place, from friend to friend. I had no meaning or purpose in life. Now this doesn’t mean I was a bad person, I don’t think I have it in me to be a truly bad person. For all my parents’ faults, they taught me to be a kind human being, and I have always treated others with graciousness and decency. I’ve always felt empathy for the people of the world. But I was broken personally, I cared more for others than I did myself; which sounds like a good thing, but it becomes so easy to slide into nothingness that way.
I realize that I had no self respect. I couldn’t stand to look at myself, I couldn’t stand to hear myself talk. I essentially hated myself. I let no one truly into my life, and there were opportunities to do so; but I built up a wall and fought back anyone who tried to penetrate it. Some lay siege, but in the end they all faltered. I had been called “cold hearted,” which is a heavy blow to someone who felt like they cared so much for the world. But I realize now, they were right. How can I care for the world, if I can’t even care for myself? It’s time to tear down the wall, and tend to that which needs mending.
I know that I have traits that make me a good person, I truly do. There are aspects of my personality and character that I actually admire. My truth and honesty are unparalleled. And my willingness to give and help the people I care for is noble. I am a relatively intelligent person, with a lot of specific knowledge and skills I’ve developed from my many jobs over the years. I know that I can do good things with my life, I have the capacity to do that, we all do. So here I am, 30 years old, starting anew. It’s both wonderful and terrifying.
The first and easiest step for me is fixing myself physically. I’ve always been in decent shape, I’ve always stayed active; but I’ve also been lazy. I ate like crap, I would only work out whenever I felt like it, instead of pushing myself. I feel like I polluted my body with so much junk over the years that it’s poisoned me. I have horribly splotchy skin, which could be genetic, but eating junk is never going to help. I have horrible bouts of lethargy, where I feel I have no energy to do anything. I have trouble sleeping, which I’m sure is mostly mental. But I know that a proper diet will help all of these things considerably. And I’m certainly on the right path to that.
I’ve always found my will is strong in certain aspects of my life. I know not many Americans could handle my diet right now. And that brings me a bit of pride. My workout regimen would cause most people to quit. The amount of times I push my body per week is extreme. But I’m seeing massive results. I’m down to a very lean 150 pounds, which is maybe a bit excessive, but my energy is through the roof. I work out every single day, and sometimes that doesn’t even seem like enough. I can run for miles, I plan to actually start running a 5k on a weekly basis. I feel like I’m 17 years old again, nearly half my actual age. I want to run and jump, climb trees, bike through the woods. I feel like a kid again, and it’s nice.
The mental aspect is what is going to be truly tough for me. I have always had this sort of higher thinking, despite never having tried to obtain it. Deep thoughts just came natural to me, and I have always questioned authority and have been unwilling to just accept whatever I read. I never tried in school, at all. It was quite comical actually; how little I tried. I simply taught myself. And while I don’t have a lot of technical knowledge when it comes to things like mathematics, or proper, dignified English. I can express myself well in my own way. But, all of this “higher thinking” only seems to make it that much harder to change. Ernest Hemingway once said:
Happiness in intelligent people is the rarest thing I know.
And that seems so true. People who truly think deeply about things, ask too many questions. We think about what will happen if we take a chance, and fail? What if things don’t go the way we planned them? We see all the possible outcomes and talk ourselves out of actually acting upon what we set out to do. It’s disheartening, and it’s something I’m going to have to fight to overcome.
Lately I’ve been toying with the idea of meditation. Something I’ve never done before, and quite frankly never thought that I would do. I simply never saw the benefit of it, and found it to be a bit pretentious. Now though, at this specific point in my life I feel that meditation would be extremely beneficial. I am a bit of a lost soul at the moment, adrift in a sea of melancholy; I need to find myself. I need to find inner strength and harmony. And I would like to believe that meditation can help me find these things, to join the heart and mind as one.
Feel the breeze
Time’s so near you can almost taste the freedom
There’s a warm wind from the south
Hoist the sail, and we’ll be gone
By morning this will all seem like a dream