So my prior entries have taken care of my childhood and teenage years, but what have I done with my adult life? Well, that’s perhaps the most depressing of all. I have lived the most unproductive life up until this point, and that is so terribly dejecting. To know that you’ve wasted away ten precious years of your life, ten years that you will never get back. 10 years of my prime, gone. Well, there’s no use crying over spilled milk, so here’s a brief summary of my uneventful adult life.
After my hard partying days, I took a job in the city doing indoor construction, working for one of my good friends’ fathers. It honestly wasn’t a bad job at all, I liked the people I worked for and the work itself was busy enough to make the days go by quickly, but not so physically intensive that it ever wore me out. It was kind of neat to be out in the city, walking to the galleria to eat lunch, and sneaking in a couple video games at the arcade. The hustle and bustle, the flow of the streets, never a dull moment. Such a drastic change from the town I grew up in, the town I still live in today. But the work was very sporadic, long layoffs in between jobs. I took out my first bank loan around this time, and when the layoff came I had no choice but to look for other work.
Fortunately for me, I’ve never had to look too hard for a job, because another one fell into my lap. A buddy offered me a job at a local factory, the work was boring but the pay was decent. I’ve always been a hard worker, and at this job I really shined. The attitude there was very lax, but I came in with guns blazing and ready to work my fingers to the bone. Management loved me, my coworkers loved me since I made their job easier because I had no issues doing the dirty work. My pay shot up to one of the highest in the factory after only a year or so. This created a bit of jealousy, but I truly felt I earned it. But, after months of working 12 hour days, including some Sundays, I became so burnt out that I was ready to get the hell out of there. I was so drained that my mind and body couldn’t take it anymore, I left briefly, then returned to the same job like a fool, only to realize nothing had changed, so I left again, permanently.
From here I took probably the most interesting job I’ve ever had. I moved to west Texas with a friend to do utility work outdoors. We worked in and around the Palo Duro Canyon, which is the second largest canyon system in the U.S. all though it seems as if few people have heard of it. An absolutely beautiful place, probably the most beautiful place I’ve ever seen. It was quite a culture shock to me, the land was as flat as could be except for the canyon itself. You could see for miles. The only trees that grew were trees that had been planted as wind breaks. Grass and other greenery were sparse. A huge change from the thickly forested hills of southern Indiana. The work itself was also kind of neat I suppose, we were installing fiber optic lines on a government grant to provide high speed communications to rural and impoverished areas. But months out on the road, living in a caravan began to take it’s toll. When the company I work for sold out to a larger one, my friend and I got word that our next job was to be in New Mexico, even farther from home. So we split.
I took quite a long lay off during this period, I moved back home with my parents even though I was like 26 years old. I slipped into a bit of a depression, and started partying again as often as I could. The parties were now more tame, but just as useless as when I was a teenager. Then a good friend of mine offered me my next job, for a small time Wireless Internet Service Provider, or WISP for short. I started off doing the physical installation of the service itself, then my boss saw potential in me and put me in the office, behind the scenes. This was my first taste of an office job, and it was quite bitter. I’ve always worked better when I can physically see the progress I’m making, to build and shape things with my hands. To see a job from start to finish, where as office work seems to never end. I will admit one thing I’m proud of, similar to my last job in Texas, is that I was able to provide decent internet service to families in rural areas who had no other option. So in a way it felt like I was at least doing some good. But after nearly 3 years, I was poached away from that job, by the same guy who got me it in the first place.
So now here I am today, working as an IT Consultant from my own home. Sounds fancy, huh? It’s not. I’m in probably the worst state I’ve ever been in. I struggle to get through each and every day, I am forced to stay as active as I possibly can, simply to occupy my mind. My friends are all married, with children by now, usually too busy to spend time with me. What little time I do get from them is not enough. I am 30 years old, and I’ve never seen the world. I am stuck in the same place I was born in, with the same people I grew up with. I’ve never known true love, and it hurts. It hurts to know the person I am inside, is not the person that’s reflected on the outside. Years of habitual small talk has forced me into a shell of what I once was, of what I really am.
I’m realizing now that it’s time to change, I have to change. For the sake of my own well being and sanity, I must change. What that change is, I’m still trying to figure that out. I know that I can’t stay where I am now, or I’ll drown, I’ll be consumed by sorrow, a lifeless husk. I am taking small steps towards making this change, but it’s hard for someone of my age. I have a new, like minded friend in my life now, who is helping me cope with these issues, but complications arose that make even that friendship bittersweet. I foolishly attempted to pursue love for the first time in my adult life, and I fell flat on my face. It’s hard when you know you have so much to give and offer to the people around you, but no one seems willing to accept it. It makes you doubt yourself so much, am I just not good enough? What’s wrong with me? It’s honestly the most heartbreaking thing in the world, at least through my untrying eyes it is. So I know I have to make a change, and get away from here. I know there are people out there somewhere for me, waiting to accept my love and friendship, and I’m ready to give it.
Well, I certainly didn’t intend for this to take such a dark turn. But the whole idea of creating this blog was for it to be a therapeutic experience for me. And sometimes we just need to vent, and get things off our chest. I hope that revelations like these, lead to brighter days(and brighter blog entries as well.) I intend to start writing more about my views and outlooks on life in general from here on out, now that I’ve explored how I got here, it’s time to start talking about where I want to go, and what I want to see.
I might start ending these with a few lines from a relevant song. Music is such a massive part of my life, and chances are, someone has said it much better than me all ready, so why not?
When I was young, younger than before
Never saw the truth hanging from the door
Now I’m older, see it face-to-face
Now I’m older, gotta get a clean place
And I was greener, greener than the hill
Where flowers grew and the sun shone still
Now I’m darker than the deepest sea
Just hand me down, and give me a place to be