Day 32

Sleep was pretty bad last night and I fought with the snooze button again. Not super proud of it but I can just try to improve. Riggs seems to be showing signs that he’s still sick as his meowing is more intense than ever. I’m trying to keep his eyes and nose clean(which he will fight you to the death over) and keep his water fresh.

There was another “restructuring” at work today. It’s kind of sickening really. 21 people came to work today just like any other day only to find out they were out of a job. Just like that. And being in the IT department, it’s our job to “clean up” these accounts and shut down access. So you end up feeling kind of like a grave digger or something. When I came in first thing this morning, Wendy told me about a weird email she got from a user after asking him to clean up his WebEx recordings. It wasn’t until after we saw all of the terminations come through that the email made sense, and it was incredibly sad.

Here is the actual message he sent:

Hi Wendy,

As a small boy, one of the most vivid memories I have is the evening after I learned that we had to put down our beloved family dog of 13 years.  I put on a brave face for most of the day but that evening I saw my mother picking up and emptying the dog’s food and water bowls.  I lost my composure (do six year olds have composure?) when I comprehended the finality of what I was witnessing.

Although I wouldn’t dream to put myself in the same category as Chico our Dachshund, I want you to know I put away my own food and water bowl by removing all my WebEx recordings from our company wide 100GB allocation.

Thank you for always making interactions with IT pleasant ones.

And that is just freaking sad. It hurt to read that, to think about these people losing a job for probably no good reason other than whatever application they supported wasn’t selling well. That’s just not super cool. And things like this make me question my line of work. It’s literally the opposite of rewarding. You feel ashamed at times like that, when you are clearing someones desk who was just fired and people are glancing over at you somberly.

Tonight did not go at all like I expected it, but it was pretty awesome. I will have to write more about it tomorrow as it’s nearly 12:30am and I have to be at work at 6:30 for our big company meeting. So, fuck me.


So after work yesterday I went to the gym. It was nice, I had a good talk with Scott, longer than usual. I was extremely sore so I chose to sit out the class and did some oly lifting drills. It didn’t go too terribly bad, just doing 3 position snatch with 50 kilos felt super easy. But, the biggest problem is that my left knee that I “tweaked” a week or so ago isn’t getting better. Dropping below parallel in a squat will certainly irritate it. But anyways, I ran through some drills on snatch and then clean and power jerk. It all felt OK for not having done it in a long time. Then I moved onto some heavy deadlift and it got me questioning my math from the other day. I felt certain that I hit 360 lbs but pulling 315 yesterday felt *very* heavy. And my realistic max feels closer to 330. I dunno, I’ll have to test it out sometime when my body feels better and see. I finished up with Annie, because why not? Worked on some butterfly kipping before I left and that’s starting to feel pretty natural to me.

After leaving the gym I ran home and had a decent chat with Kristin before I had to turn right back around and run out to meet Marie at Lauretta Jean’s. This meeting did not go at all like I expected. My thought was I would meet up with her and chat for 45 minutes to an hour and then head to Laurie’s for burger night. Well, fast forward nearly 3 and a half hours and we are meandering around in the pouring rain and I realize I’m 15 blocks away from my car and I need to be downtown by 10:30 so as much as I didn’t want to stop the conversation, and neither did she, I had to split.

I met up with Joe at Ash Street downtown at around 10:45. I missed the first few songs from Crush Hazard but caught the next 6 or 7. They were pretty badass, I can see why Joe likes them, they have a unique sound. It’s kind of like mid-era Sabbath, like the stuff with Tony Martin, but with female vocals. Plus the singer is quite attractive for her age and I’m sure that definitely plays into Joe’s favoritism. After the show we went for a drink at a bar across the street and talked about my situation. It was good, but a little painful as Joe seemed legitimately stunned that Chels and I are separating. He just kept trying to pitch ways I should try to make it work and things like that. And maybe that’s just his way of being supportive and I appreciate it, but it did get my mind racing a little too much again.

We stayed until the bar closed at midnight and I didn’t actually lie down in my bed until at least 12:30. My alarm was set for 5:25 so that kind of sucked. But sleep came easily and I actually feel relatively well today. I’ve noticed that my energy has been up recently. I don’t know exactly what to contribute it to. A few things I would assume, but it’s pretty nice. I feel like I have as much energy as a 20 year old basically. Anyways, I’m going to end this one here and start on Day 33 now.

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Day 31

Well, I actually got up at the first toll of my alarm this morning, so there’s a win right off the bat. I went to the gym and did a pretty killer workout. One of those workouts that looks simple but ends up sucking bad. Anything with a decent amount of weight on the bar for reps is going to kill me, I’ve come to that conclusion. But I still did respectably for not being in “Crossfit shape” at all. My rope climbs felt solid, despite not having done one in many months. But I need a *lot* of work on my muscular endurance. I want to start doing high rep sets, because that’s something I’ve always neglected. So like 3×10 squats and shit like that.

I ran home and ate a decent breakfast and got to work on time for a change. Mainly because I drove myself in since I’ll need the car after work to go downtown. Tonight is my second session with my therapist Kimberly. I will have quite a lot to talk about since much has changed since last week. I moved back into my house and started back into a slightly different yet familiar routine. I’m also having new, recurring thoughts about Chels that I would like to get out there as well. Then there was the kind of crappy conversation with my mom over the weekend, where it just seems like we are out of touch with each other. So yeah, a fair amount to get to in only 75 minutes.

I’m a little disappointed that I haven’t started writing fiction like I had planned to. I’m actually a little bit disappointed with my productivity since moving back into the house in general. I’ve been working out a lot and eating well, which is great. But I spend too much of my free time either playing video games or cleaning the house. I finished Rick & Morty last night, so no more T.V. for me except for maybe a movie here and there. That will give me an additional 30 minutes a day and I want to cut down on video game time as well. I want to get back to more reading and writing. I think I’ve just been using video games as an escape, the same way I did at Kyle’s when Chels broke up with me. But I want to nip that in the bud before it gets out of control.

I’ve also been struggling with healthy masturbation as I found myself getting overall hornier and hornier. I resorted to porn again last night, and that’s OK. I just need to address it and be comfortable with it, recognize that it is something I want to take control of and do what I need to do to avoid it. It’s so weird, I’ve never had such strong sexual cravings before in my life and I just feel like I need to “release.” And it’s fine, it’s natural. But I don’t want it to become like a habit or an additional escape either.

I cried this morning for the first time in a few days. I went to bed thinking of Chels and I woke up this morning after what must have been a bad dream, wondering what I would do if something were to happen to her. I’m not sure why my thoughts were so morbid, but it’s actually something I’ve struggled with for many years. Sometimes I just slip into these dark states where I am picturing loss or death. I think it can probably be traced back to my sister’s accident and wondering whether or not should would live or die. And the impact that had on my mental state. It’s such a mind-fuck, the not knowing part. And it lasted for months, she could have passed on any day. I was at least able to control this episode better than some others that I’ve had.

On a similar note, I had another slip up today. I let some of the recent things Chels has been saying get to my head. And I started to think that maybe there’s still a chance for us. I approached her about this in my usual roundabout, indirect way. And she more or less shut it down. I lashed out a bit emotionally and immediately caught myself. I had a minor breakdown after this in the IT storage room, but I cried it out and went on with my work day.

Right before I was about to leave work and head off to therapy, I got a message from a fellow employee, a manager, asking me if I could call one of her underlings. I recognized the name of a problematic user who is notorious for being hard to deal with and I almost ignored the message but since I’m such a nice guy I decided to give her a call. What I got was an extremely frustrated and irate woman who basically refused to listen to anything I had to say. She was taking shit out on me that I was hearing about for the first time, how is that fair? Well, it just wasn’t the right day to treat me that way so after a few minutes of being berated, I stopped her and basically said. “Look, I understand you are frustrated, but I really don’t appreciate the tone. I’m staying after hours because I want to help you.” And to her credit she did calm down, sort of. Oh man, I don’t know how people can go through life with so much anger. But I am proud of myself for at least putting my foot down.

So this therapy session was actually really great, better than the last. I had sooo much to talk about and the time flew by. I literally couldn’t believe it had been 75 minutes when our time was up. I was venting about my breakdown today and what it meant for me. We tried something where she had me let my pain come on and sit with it for a few minutes. I broke down crying on her couch but I ended up feeling better about everything after it was over. I’m becoming more and more comfortable with the fact that I can’t change what other people do. If someone chooses to hurt me in whatever way, I just have to accept it for what it is and move on. She can feel my love for Chels and is hesitant to say that my feelings are unhealthy, though I speculate she may think that’s the case given everything that I’ve told her. But I appreciate the care with which she navigates through our conversations.

But it’s going to be rough. And I know the worst part is yet to come. The day Chels leaves this house will possibly be the worst day of my life. All I can do is try to prepare myself for that and be ready when the time comes. It’s going to hurt like hell, I know this. But I can’t change her heart, I can certainly try. But at the end of the day, it’s her decision. I have to be able to respect that and sit with it.

Riggs appears to have a cold, I’ve been wiping the build-up around his eyes off with a warm paper towel(something I read online.) As well as changing his water bowl with fresh water a couple of time per day. Kristin hasn’t been to the gym since last Friday, so I think she’s only actually been that one time since finishing her intro classes. It’s a little disappointing, I’ve tried to convince her to come with me a couple of times. And I’ll try again tomorrow. I hope she sucks it up and gets in there, I know how good it could be for her. She’s honestly lazy though, there’s no two ways about it. So we’ll see.

I went for a jog tonight, just to kind of clear my head before lying down. I listened to a podcast about this entrepreneur/motivational writer. He had some wise and encouraging words, from the perspective of a poor guy from the streets who mostly wasted his 20’s away. This was something I could relate to. He had some great lines about continuously improving yourself. Something I’m guilty of giving up on. I am starting to feel like I need a change in my life. With all of the shit that’s going on. It’s just unfortunate that the idea of trying anything crazy alone scares me to death. Maybe after I’ve learned to cope with my loss I can make something happen. I don’t even know what yet. A pilgrimage? A journey of self-discovery? I don’t know, but I feel something coming on. Whether Chels is in my life or not, alone or with a partner. I sense it.

Day 30

Day 30 has been been a pretty good one so far. Though I did that annoying ass thing where I hit the snooze button 5 or 6 times, so I wasn’t able to go climbing this morning like I hoped. But I still set aside 15-20 minutes to go through my breathing exercise and do some pushups and situps.

Work has been super busy again, but not a bad kind of busy, so it’s not bad. I’m trying to put all the EQ away from the conference while still keeping up with tickets. I’m getting better and better about saying “no” to people at work, in a very polite way. So I’m proud of myself for that.

I was thinking while riding the bus to work this morning that I want to be able to take more trips(aka more adventures.) I need to get my financial situation straightened back out. I’m not sure what it will be with Chels gone, probably a little bit worse I imagine. So even if it means starting some “penny-pinching” and just keeping better track of what I’m spending, I’m ok with that. I know my relationship with money has been unhealthy in the past, but I definitely feel a lot better with it now. I realize that there are things way more important than money, but at the same time it is something worth learning. If that makes any sense. So instead of just being terrified to spend large amounts of money, just keep better tabs on everything and don’t be afraid to blow it on something that you really care about.

After work I jogged the entire way home, 2.5 miles. It honestly felt very easy, stopping at busy intersections gave me just enough rest to power through the whole thing without too much of a problem. Kristin bailed on the gym again(this is pretty much 3 days in a row now) so the run home was my workout. I have my alarm set to get up at 5:30 to make the 6:15 class though, which I need to start being more diligent about. I worked hard to get my body back into a lean and decent shape, I don’t want to lose it.

Speaking of which, I noticed today at work that I just felt good in general. Like physically good that is. I had a ton of energy and felt very snappy. I’m sure sleeping in a real bed helps this, but also adding a lot of cardio and eating better has played a huge role I’m sure. Though, on the sleep thing. It has been kind of weird sleeping in this bed alone. I feel like when I’m here, I have to start out by sleeping a certain way with another person. And now I feel kind of lost when trying to fall asleep. But still, it’s leaps and bounds better than when I was at Kyle’s sleeping 4-5 hours a night.

Chels was on my mind a lot the later half of the day. She has been texting some things that make it sound like she might be having her doubts on separating from me. I’ve been trying to play it as cool and fair as I can. I promised myself that no matter what I wouldn’t resort to begging or coaxing or anything of the like. But it’s hard not to say anything, I just want to be like “Then come back to me babe” or whatever, but I just don’t like the way that feels. If that’s what she wants to do, I want it to be on her terms. I’m honestly not sure what is going to happen. I just need to try to make sure that I’ll be OK either way. But deep down, I know that I want it bad. I miss her every minute of every day.

Day 29

I realized that I forgot to address a phone conversation I had with my mom yesterday that is probably important to talk about. At first I was happy that she was finally calling me(or well, at least asking me to call her.) But the conversation really didn’t go very well. Instead of offering her support and saying “I’m sorry for what you’re going through” she just kept asking me if I were going to come back home. Like I was just going to give up on everything I have here and move back in with them. She also dropped hints that my cross country move was a mistake. And that part angered me. Because that’s absolutely not the case at all. Even if I am experiencing heartbreak and I do feel a little bit lonely. It was still a huge life changing experience for me. One that I will look back on fondly for the rest of my life, absolutely no doubt about that. It instilled confidence in me and I literally feel like I could do it again and have just as much fun the second time. And I just may. So for her to belittle something like that is a little irritating.

I love my mom, I really do. She’s a very kind person. But she’s also never left Indiana and is honestly very close minded. She’s the one who’s always told me to be wary of strangers and always tried to get me to take the safest road. But the safest road isn’t always the best road and regardless of what happens, at least I can say that I tried. I mean, she married her “high school sweetheart” and has never left her home town. And that’s fine for some people, but it’s not for me.

I thought about Chels a lot last night, in a slightly more healthy way than other recent thoughts. More or less just hoping that she isn’t suffering. I know things are super weird between us right now, but I still consider her “my girl” and I hate to think of her in pain. I woke up dreaming/thinking of her again for the first time in a few days, this one was straight up very sexual. I don’t really know what that means exactly, but I guess it’s probably pretty obvious. I miss her and I miss sex, so yeah.

Work was hectic. Wendy called in stick and the ticket que was just blowing up worse than normal with all of the people returning to work from the conference last week. I ran around all morning and left at 1:30 for a dentist’s appointment. I am going to need 3 fillings on the top left corner of my mouth. I am cursed with genetically the worst teeth. I probably have around 10 fillings already, plus a root canal. And I’m going to be adding 3 more, then he wants to address another set of 2 or 3 teeth on the bottom left side after that. Oh well, at least I have enough credit built up there that I won’t even have to pay for the next 3 fillings and I’ll still have money left over.

I’m trying to help keep Kristin motivated with her health and fitness. It’s difficult though as she sleeps so much. She literally naps every single day. And it’s not like she isn’t sleeping well at night, she gets much more sleep than I do. She was supposed to have went to the gym tonight but fell asleep instead. And that’s fine, it’s her life after all. But I still want to keep motivating.

We went to the Clinton Street Theater to watch The Craft and it was fucking awesome. The theater is super cool and super Portland. People were laughing at all the cheesy scenes and shouting out one liners. One guy started a slow clap when the jock douche gets killed off in the movie. And it was free, donation only. Definitely going to need to keep this place in mind.

I didn’t write as much today as I wanted to and I need to try to get up early to go climbing. I’ll try to make up for it and write more tomorrow.

Day 28

Today was another good day. I woke up early, stretched out and went to the gym and did a brutal workout. I talked to some of my friends there I haven’t seen in a while like Dylan and Scott and it just felt good. I always feel very welcomed and accepted at PE. I don’t know what’s going to happen with the whole Chelsea situation, but hopefully I can remain a member and continue to build friendships there, since it’s a great environment for that.

After that I did some shopping and came back and gave the house a much needed cleaning. Kristin isn’t exactly the tidiest person in the world and she let the place go a little bit in just the few days that Chels was gone. The floors were nasty and all the flowers and plants were dying. I got everything back into shape and it felt good. It’s nice having a home you can be proud of and that you actually want to keep clean and tidy.

On this same note, I actually confronted Kristin on her potentially untidy habits. But I did it in a less direct and more kind way. And for her part, she admitted that she isn’t the tidiest person and she wants to get better at it. She helped clean after this conversation and I felt good about bringing it up in a polite way.

We went and drove up to Pittock mansion since Kristin had never been there. It’s always one of the most beautiful views imaginable. The weather was nice and the place was crowded, but it was still a blast. I actually kind of like playing the photographer for other people/couples. I found myself staring off into the distance and having a pretty good sense of pride for being here. The pacific northwest is a special place and one that I don’t see myself leaving anytime soon.

I did some serious meal prepping in the evening. Jambalaya and cornbread, a recent favorite of mine. I made the jambalaya completely from scratch this time and it took absolutely forever, but it’s so worth it. It felt so nice to be back in my kitchen with all of the tools and utensils I’m used to having. Prepping a nice and (relatively)healthy meal is very fulfilling for me.

Kristin and I played Keep Talking and Nobody Explodes and had an absolute blast. I had never played it and wasn’t sure how it would go over, but it was awesome. We must have played 10+ rounds of it, so addicting. The challenge ramps up pretty fast, but it isn’t crazy. And it’s hilarious to hear peoples descriptions of certain items, especially the symbols. I very distinctly saw an alien holding a stick and she had no clue what I was talking about. Good stuff.

I just got off the phone with Chels. She’s really struggling to accept the changes in her life. And I’m really conflicted as to how I feel about this and how to handle it. On one hand, she’s my best friend and the love of my life and to think of her being in pain makes my stomach knot up. It almost makes me angry, like I wish her pain were some physical thing that I could beat the shit out of. But then I also realize that these wounds of mine are still fresh and it can be dangerous having these deep, emotional conversations with her. It did unfortunately take a slight nasty turn, but I did my best to control it and turn the conversation back around. She’s upset and I could tell she said some things from a place of fear. I just let them pass, I know what it’s like.

I still have no idea what’s going to happen when she returns. I feel myself getting better and better with each day, but I’m kind of afraid that her being here may cause me to slip up again. But what’s my other choice, tell her to hit the road? That would never happen. So I’m still just kind of playing it by ear, but obviously it will have to be addressed eventually.

Day 27

My first night back at the house was great. Granted, I didn’t even get home until 10:30 and was asleep within an hour of that time. But I’ve slept a solid 8 hours plus for the first time in a month. So that’s pretty awesome. I also found Louise under the pillow as I was about to fall asleep. This kind of stung a little bit but also kind of felt nice and heartwarming at the same time. I fell asleep with her in my hand actually.

Kristin and I went to Mt. Tabor and I did some stair sprints and finished off with probably around a 1200 meter jog. My legs are very toasty after this. The stairs were humbling, near the end it was all I could do to walk, let alone sprint. But it felt good. After finishing the workout we walked up to the top and soaked in the view of the city in the morning. The sun was out and it was beautiful, though cold. I actually ran with my shirt off for my last stair sprint and the 1200m run.

After this I ran back to Kyle’s to get the rest of my stuff. of course he wasn’t there. I packed everything up in a hurry and had no intention of sticking around. Kyle is out of town, which I didn’t even know until he had been gone for a day or so. No clue where he even is. I feel like we only talked 3 or 4 times in the 27 days I was there. I am still thankful for his understanding and willingness to let me come and go whenever. But I’m not looking forward to paying him $500+.

After bringing all of my stuff back home, Kristin and I jumped on the bus and headed to the art museum. I definitely enjoyed and appreciated the art much more than the last time I was there. Plus they had this awesome exhibit from the animation studio Laika. It was amazing and beautiful, full of lots of creepy skeletons and other shit. Right up my alley for sure. Afterwards we grabbed some food from Laughing Planet and bused back home. Our conversation was mostly casual, but fun. It was a good time.

I ended up having an odd conversation with Chels via text. I’m not really sure exactly what is going on but she has been acting a bit strange from what I can tell. I’m almost a little afraid to ask, but I’m also curious. I also have to remember that I can’t control her, she has to do what she’s going to do. And I can’t let that have some huge effect on how I feel or what I do. So I will leave it up her to talk to me about whatever she needs to talk to me about. I’m trying to concern myself less with the “what ifs” and thinking about the past or even the future. I’m trying to live more in the now and I feel it has had a pretty solid impact on my overall mood, hopefully that’s reflecting outwards as well.

For the rest of the night we got super high and I got buzzed on top of that and watched music videos and Coraline. It was actually a good day over all and I’m happy to be back in my house and back to what I’m familiar with. A neighborhood I recognize and love, places to walk to, etc. I just feel like I can really do things again, like cook and clean. Even though those things can kind of suck and aren’t exactly fun things to do, it’s crazy how much I’ve missed them.

I’m starting to notice other girls more and more. Although I still feel weird about the thought of dating anyone else, I am starting to feel some sexual draw. I have been successful with “healthy masturbation” on a couple of occasions now. I seem to always draw up a fantasy involving 2 nameless girls at once. This is a fantasy that I actually used to have pretty regularly but haven’t had in many years. It honestly feels better to do it without porn anyways, more healthy and rewarding. On top of that, it’s a bit more work and makes it less of a habit.

I need to clean the house and put some of my things away, the place is kind of a mess. Riggs meows just as incessantly as always. And I’m not sure what will happen when Chels gets back. It’s going to be interesting for sure, I’m thinking about getting the daybed ready for sleep. Whatever happens, I need to make sure I stand my ground. I am willing to listen and compromise when necessary, but I have to make sure I don’t give up everything and get nothing. I guess we’ll see.

Day 26

Sleep was a bit rough again last night. Just when I had started doing fairly well. It was extra cold and my poor little heater struggled to keep up. Coupled with some weird feelings from a brief exchange with Chels. I’m not sure she is a big fan of me moving back into the house. And I’m just not sure I feel about the whole situation. I’m trying not to be judgmental or assumptive, so I’m just going to see how it all plays out.

I woke up early and tried to focus on a couple of ideas from Wim Hoff. I went through my full breathing routine and then I tried something a little ballsy. I went outside running in 43 degree weather with just a t-shirt and shorts on immediately following the breathing. And it wasn’t bad. I just did a quick mile, which was slow and tough for some reason, I’m not sure if it had anything to do with the cold or not. But the cold seemingly barely bothered me at all, only my hands for some reason were irritated. Which is ironic, because even if I had geared up with athletic pants and a jacket, my hands would have still been exposed. But it was cool and a nice little challenge. I plan to wear a jacket/coat very sparingly throughout the fall and winter months.

My body feels good in general. I’ve leaned out a fair amount and even though I’m slimmer, I’m also more muscular than I’ve been in a long time. I want to keep my workouts varied and not get stuck on any one routine. Though I may follow routines for certain things like strength, I want to keep mixing it up with other things on the side. I’m still thinking Crossfit 2-3 times per week plus a day or so of bouldering and throw in lots of running, stair sprints, etc. I also want to look into more old school workout routines and strongman type stuff as well. Just as a way to get a little more in touch with nature and with my body.

I’ve also been thinking a bit about writing short, fictional pieces. Short-stories similar to the one I did a few years ago. I’ve taken to really enjoy writing, at least in this very casual format. I want to make sure that I don’t just give up on this habit, as it’s been very therapeutic and forces you to think about things in a unique way that you may have otherwise overlooked. Sometimes I type something out and I’m like wait a minute…I’ll reread it and try to assess what I think it means. It’s kind of like a step-down from actually telling someone else, but a step-up from just keeping it internal.

In just a few hours I meet with a therapist for the first time in my life. I’m still not at all nervous and more excited than anything. I’ve always been skeptical to this type of thing but I’m trying to learn to open my mind more and more.

On that same note, I listened to a Stuff You Should Know podcast on Buddhism and nirvana and I hear pieces of that and I think maybe there’s something to it. I mean, I absolutely don’t believe that any one religion has things right, not at all. Religions are built out of convenience and are typically used as a tool by those seeking power. They just spread like a disease. During a conversation I had with Michael the other day, he made a good point. We used to spend a lot of our time together in our early-mid 20’s talking about how religion is detrimental to the advancement of the human race. But what he said the other day is that with humans being as crazed by blood-lust as they are, removing religion would just be giving many people a right to kill/rape/steal. So religion definitely has a place and has helped shaped the world into what it is today, for better or worse.

But, I digress, I got sidetracked. It’s hard to really put what I think about religion and the universe into words. I was listening to another podcast on the big bang theory and it absolutely blew my fucking mind. How the hell did all of this happen? How did something come from nothing? I obviously have no clue, nor does anyone really. Sure, there are others with way more of a clue than me, but anyone who claims to have the answer is full of shit. Even guys like Neil Degrasse Tyson and Carl Sagan would admit that they don’t know. They can explain how certain things happened millions of years ago, but they can’t explain the “why” of it all. They believe that when the “big bang” occurred, the entire universe transitioned through aeons in a fraction of a second. Think about that. Things expanded and multiplied at such a rate the human brain can’t even fathom this event. As much as I’m almost afraid to admit it(though I shouldn’t be?) something had to have been the initial cause for all of this, right? Or maybe not, who knows. But I’m not conceited enough to think I know the answer and that there’s a heaven or hell or whatever. But I also don’t deny the possibility that there could be something out there, a potential higher power. It’s just not God in heaven, that’s all.

Carl Sagan said this:

The idea that God is an over-sized white male with a flowing beard who sits in the sky and tallies the fall of every sparrow is ludicrous. But if by God one means the set of physical laws that govern the universe, then clearly there is such a God. This God is emotionally unsatisfying… it does not make much sense to pray to the law of gravity.

Kyle still hasn’t washed the dishes in the sink from last Thursday or Friday. I can’t say that I will miss that place too much. I do want to see if he will go out for drinks with me tonight though. Even though I get the impression he is mostly concerned with getting money, I am still thankful that he was so open and cool with everything. And let me move in and out whenever I felt like it.

I haven’t lowered my desk at work in exactly 1 full month, which is pretty solid. As I’ve stated before, I have no intention of lowering it again. Maybe for certain things here and there(though I haven’t done that once yet,) but that’s it. I feel like I have a lot of energy in general also, which is good. At the user conference I was the only person who stood and walked for the majority of the day, while everyone else sat down. I even tried to read standing, which was admittedly awkward.


 

After work I had my first therapy session with Kimberly and man, it was pretty great. There’s just something about putting yourself out there like that and having someone listen and offer advice. Since this was our first session, she more or less just listened but would stop me on key points and ask if I wanted to elaborate on certain things. We went back to my parents and my upbringing a lot and it’s crazy how many pieces of your personality you can start connecting to the way you were raised. I had a very unhealthy relationship with my father and that has caused some long term issues mentally and emotionally.

We obviously talked a lot about my situation and how I feel about everything that’s happened. She was very caring and she made extra sure not to say that anything was exactly right or wrong. I’m still not at a place yet where I can tolerate anyone saying negative things about Chels and I was just waiting for her to do that but she never did. Then we went into self confidence and self respect. Because both confidence and respect come from within. Just a lot of good stuff all around, I certainly want to continue on with a couple more sessions and see how everything goes.

I left feeling somewhat empowered. I realize now that I can’t just hang onto something that just isn’t being reciprocated. I’m making a conscious decision to  reduce communication with Chels. It doesn’t mean I don’t want to talk to her, and god knows there’s a million things I could talk about. But I feel that sometimes I want to text her just for the sake of texting her, and I don’t want that kind of dependency. I just have to shift my focus internally, I can’t control her.

After this I went back to Kyle’s and packed some stuff up, then I met Jason at the cigar club. This was actually much more pleasant than I imagined it to be. I was way more nervous to walk into this place than I was the therapist’s office. But it was actually pretty great. The people there were extremely welcoming and kind, they were asking questions about where I’m from and making jokes left and right. And even though they were watching baseball, which bores me to tears(and then golf, who the fuck watches golf?) and smoking cigars, which I’m not really a fan of either. It still felt good to mingle. It also felt surprisingly good to be in a very masculine environment, as these were very “manly” men. I could use a bit of that in my life.

And now, to finish the day off, I’ve moved back into my house. It feels so good. I’m typing this from an actual proper bed right now, in a room that’s at least relatively warm. And I have absolutely no idea what’s going to happen when Chels gets back in like 10 days and that’s OK. I can’t control that. I can just better myself and let whatever happens happen. Hopefully I’ll be ready for anything.

Day 25

So the user conference is finally over. And thank god for that. It was excruciatingly boring. I mingled with Jensine for the most part and man, he means well but we are extremely different people. I’m trying to keep a more positive outlook and trying to be less judgmental. So with that said, I’m thankful he was around to keep my company and wish him the best. A trip to Pennsylvania is possibly in my future as well, which is cool.

Derek and Wendy got into it pretty good again today. Those two are like fire and ice. And I know that Wendy has good intentions, but she’s actually the worst of the two. She can be so damn hateful and spiteful and at this point, there’s literally nothing Derek can do that would change her mind. He could give her a million dollars and be the kindest, gentlest person in the world and she would still despise him. It’s really quite toxic how angry they make each other. It’s doubtful Chris will ever do anything about it. I want to bring it up to him and I hate making excuses, but I feel like Chris doesn’t have a lot of respect for me. And neither does Wendy. And honestly, it’s my own fault. I’ve been such a pushover, so meek and timid. So now I have to try to figure out how I can change that without them thinking I’m having some sort of mental crisis. I’m currently taking baby steps by just being a bit more direct than I have been in the past with them. And voicing my opinion more often instead of just nodding and agreeing with everything. It’s slightly annoying. It just seems difficult to grain respect that you’ve never had.

I took Kristin to her first Crossfit class today and it was pretty great. She did great but still seems to be at that phase where she hates “breathing fire.” It was a big class and it was good to chat with some people I haven’t really seen in a while.I also made it a point to be more chatty and encouraging in general. The workout was a pretty good one for me so I finished early and spent the rest of the time making sure that everyone else, primarily Kristin, had motivation to keep moving and finish. It was honestly very fun and reminded me of why I like Crossfit. It’s more than just working out and getting strong. It’s a community.

Chels texted me and asked why I didn’t tell her about Jason offering me a room at his place. This came a little out of left field. I was pretty certain that I did mention it for one and two I wonder what the meaning was of sending that message. I felt like we had been on really good terms the last few days and I’m doing my best to keep my personal problems and other things out of her life, while still helping her out in other ways. And we’ve been chatting nicely as friends too, not overly chatty, just a few texts here and there throughout the day. I felt pretty good about everything. But that brought a little weirdness back into the mix and now my heart hurts again.

I am working hard to try to get back into the swing of things and move onto this next phase of my life. But I do still care for her greatly and there’s a part of me that always will, no doubt. She brought so much into my life and changed me forever, for the better. I would do anything for her. But I’m not sure how living with her would work out. This was an idea posed by her and mentioned numerous times by Kristin, but I’m skeptical. I am willing to try it, but we need to be careful and make sure that we call it off if it’s not going to work. I absolutely do not want the beautiful thing that we had be tarnished due to bitterness and jealousy. I’m working *real* hard on correcting those things for myself. But the thought of her bringing another man home makes my stomach churn at this moment in time. My hope is that I can get past that. I really hope we can be the exception and remain friends indefinitely. I can’t even picture life without her in it at all and I don’t want to.

I have started reading more about Wim Hoff and his methods. It honestly makes a lot of sense and I think it is something I want to pursue, casually at first to see how it goes. If I feel like I’m noticing results, I’ll step it up a bit. I plan to run in the cold and do my breathing exercises in the cold as well. No more hot showers. I feel like such a weakling sometimes when I’m slightly cold or slightly hot. It shouldn’t really be that big of a deal and humans weren’t made to be at a constant state of 70 degrees. If you think about it, the environment that humans live in has changed so much over the last 100 years. I mean, for thousands of years humans lived off the land. Shelter and a fire to keep warm in the winter time was about all you could expect to get throughout all of those years. So now, only in this last 100 years or so, that has changed soooo much. It’s insane. And it honestly can’t all be good, in fact I would say most of it is bad from a purely physical standpoint. Eventually we’ll all look like those floating guys in Wall-E.

I have a potentially busy weekend planned. Which is nice, I like it. I intend to move back into the house either tomorrow or Saturday, so we’ll see how that goes. It could be a sad experience for me, or it could reinvigorate me completely. I go back and forth on that, I can see either being the case. The truth probably lies somewhere in the middle, but I think it will be overall a good thing.

Day 24

This morning started off with me waking up even earlier than normal to take Chels to the airport. I still feel super weird about not going and I have trouble rationalizing exactly why it feels so strange. Some things are obvious, like missing family and friends. But then another portion of it feels weird and I can’t quite place it. I pondered it on and off throughout the day but have no real explanation. I reached out to a couple of friends from back home and had a decent text convo with Michael, which was nice.

The workday was pretty terrible again, as to be expected. This was day 3/4 of the user conference. Tomorrow is the last day, thank god. At least I get free breakfast and lunch out of it. I made additional attempts to be social again today and it went better than yesterday. Towards the end of the day, the exhibit hall hosted its customer appreciation get together, free beer and wine…All you can drink. I resisted at first, as I’ve been very leery of alcohol during this whole separation, because I don’t want to be that sad, depressed drunk sitting at the bar alone, feeding his alcohol dependency. But I felt in a decent mood and was surrounded by hundreds and hundreds of people so I drank. And I made a self observation, a pretty obvious one I’ll admit and one I’m sure most people can relate to. I socialize sooo much better after 2 or 3 drinks. I could absolutely chat it up with anyone once I had a light buzz. And while it was fun, it does annoy me slightly. I want that kind of confidence all the time.

I chatted more with Jensine today and I’m sort of using him as a guinea pig to test new social skills on. For all of his faults, Jensine is very confident and will talk to anyone. So he’s not a bad person to try these things out on. I took him out to dinner tonight and tried to make an effort to learn more about him and we actually had some pretty good conversation. He’s growing on me a bit. We ended up having a few drinks and discussing our childhood, I’m finding it easier and easier to be open about my past and things in my life that *aren’t* upbeat and happy. But it was a good time, eating shit food and bumping rap music.

I have a very busy week this week and potentially through the weekend and Monday as well. I plan to ask Chris for time off during my 1-on-1 on Friday. Not even sure when exactly, I’m just due for some. Hopefully I can find some decent weather and schedule it for then. I regret not going out to the coast one last time, so who knows, maybe I’ll just go out there anyways.

I got home much later than expected so I’m keeping this one short. Much more to write out, hopefully tomorrow.

Day 23

So today was the first official day of the user conference and it was pretty terrible as I knew it would be. It’s just so painfully boring that its almost hard to describe. Everyone on my team absolutely dreads it and we all forgot just how painful it can be. So the day in general wasn’t super great, I had too much time to do nothing other than think and that lead me to a few bad places. But I honestly did a respectable job of keeping things in check. I did veer off the path from time to time, but I always corrected it.

I tried being more social today and had mixed success with that. I think I’m learning that I’m just not an “office worker” and have a hard time relating to most of those people. I literally could care less about the actual product that my company makes and yet everyone seems so excited about it. I know they are most likely faking, kissing ass or whatever. But I can’t even bring myself to do that. I work for a corporation that shitcans people because their “numbers were off.” It’s just not really my jam. And I’ve pretty much always known that, but it’s hitting me harder recently. All of these sales guys with their fake handshakes and cheesy jokes. I get it, that’s just a part of any big business. I just would prefer to distance myself from that.

I’m not yet sure what this means, as these are all new thoughts in the past month or so. The fortunate thing is that my job isn’t so bad that I’m in constant misery or anything, and I can pretty easily shut myself off from it after hours and on the weekends. So I can definitely take my time to try to figure things out. I actually had a thought today to start writing down ideas on a piece of paper for what I might want to do. And just see if anything stands out or sticks.

I had my second support group session tonight and it was pretty solid. Although this session was more casual and not as deep and philosophical as last time, I seemed to pick up on things better. I also made an effort here to be more vocal and did chime in on a few occasions. One thing this group is good at doing is putting things into perspective. It’s obvious that there are some people here who are mentally distraught. One guy in particular always seems to make the whole room go quiet. I have no idea what his story is, though I would like to know. At first I thought him mentally handicapped, but when he read from the book today he sounded surprisingly eloquent(and this is a book that seems to be intended more for doctors and psychiatrists, not easy reading.) But there’s just so much pain and nervousness in his voice, you can tell things just aren’t quite right. He talked about not accepting his “diagnosis” today and it really grounded me. As much pain as I might be in, its just a drop in the bucket really.

There are some things about this group that are a little unnerving. The bible quotes came in more abundance this week. And speaking of the bible, some of the people in the group treat the book just like the bible. One lady in particular is extremely zealous and it literally reminds me of a religious fanatic. She almost raves at times. It’s a little off-putting to be honest. It feels kind of cult like the way they talk about Dr. Low. So I dunno, I just need to assess the situation with a level head and make sure I’m not sabotaging myself. I fully intend to go back again and continue to give it a proper chance, as I do see the benefit in it for sure.

Chels leaves for Indiana tomorrow which has me feelings all sorts of weird. It’s almost surreal that she’s going back and I’m not, for a number of reasons. I really regret showing no interest in this at all, because now that it’s here I’m feeling that regret. I do miss my friends and family and this would be a good time in my life to have some serious conversations with them. I haven’t even heard from my mom in days and that’s just unacceptable in this situation. Plus it would be nice to have deep conversations with some of my old friends, but then again I think the only person who could really even relate is Dan. Most of those friendships were ones of convenience. It doesn’t mean I don’t care about them though. But I also feel weird that Chels is going back to her family after we’ve now broken up. I love those guys and I want to hang out with them all, but I can just imagine them speaking about me kind of like in the past tense. I dunno, I just wish I could be there, but I’ve only myself to blame.

Let’s take a minute to talk about sex. I mentioned before that I had never considered myself a person with strong sexual desires. But after having fairly consistent sex for years, I’m starting to really miss it. Granted, I have some issues with sex and Chels and I definitely had our share of problems as well. What I read about sex in No More Mr Nice Guy literally fit me to a T. I would lie next to her and be absolutely fucking craving it. I would want to fuck her brains out. But instead I would try rubbing her shoulders, or kissing the back of her head or whatever. I would do all of these things indirectly and subconsciously some resentment would grow. Then when we did have sex, I had little desire to actually please myself and only worried about her pleasure. Not to mention my unwillingness to talk about it. She definitely didn’t help much in that regard, but I should have taken the initiative. None of these are good traits for a healthy sex life, I’m sure.

So now I’m at this phase where I’m kind of starting to notice women again for the first time in years. But not even in like a romanticized way. Just in this really raw and visceral kind of way. Like I just want to grab one’s ass and squeeze. I have no care for the girl as a person. So very like animalistic. This is some pretty new behavior for me and I’m not sure how I even feel about it. With all of this going on, the testosterone flowing, I’m also trying to practice “healthy masturbation” which means masturbation with no aids. Just you and your dick. Which wasn’t successful last night, but that’s OK. I just need to assure myself that I don’t need pornography or any other outside influence. I need to rebuild a healthy relationship with sex on all levels.

To end again on a positive note, I’m super proud of myself for going back to the support group. It’s not easy and I tried to talk myself out of it, but greater will prevailed. I am also proud of myself for making an effort to socialize more today. Even if it didn’t go super great, I at least made a step in the right direction. And lastly, I’m proud for keeping my negative thoughts in check. I was bumming myself out pretty hard at one point in time, singing sad songs in my head and missing my girl and the way things were. But I was able to reign that in and snap myself out of it. I know it will be a tough battle and there are a lot of variables involved in this situation. But I just need to focus on myself right now and continue trying hard every single day.